How To Overcome Shyness

Pretty Lady has received this heartfelt query:

I ADMIRE YOUR RATIONAL ADVICES AND THAT’S THE REASON I NEED YOUR HELP ON THIS ONE.

I AM PRACTICALLY SHY, OFTEN NERVOUS AROUND LADIES, I JUST GET LOST I CANT FIND THE RIGHT WORDING. MY HOODIE BROOD SAY STUFF LIKE WHATS GOOD MUMMY BUT THAT’S OUTTA MY LEAGUE.

I REMEMBER ONCE I STARTED BY MENTIONING MY NAME THEN I TOLD THA LADY “ I FIND YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE I’M JUST WONDERING IF WE CAN GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER” SHE GIGGLED AND SAID “SORRY THAT WONT HAPPEN”.

CAN YOU GIVE ME A BETTER WORDING TO APPROACH WITH? I TRUST YOURS.

HOPE TO HEAR FROM U.

REGARDS.

D.

Dear D,

First of all, your instincts to avoid statements like "What's good mummy" are sound. This is crass, vulgar and disrespectful; a lady who responds to statements like "What's good mummy" is not likely to be a person with either penetration or quality of character. Really, what does "What's good mummy" even mean? Pretty Lady is At Sea.

You declare your central problem to be Shyness. Pretty Lady does not doubt that you are shy. She has suffered from shyness herself, and her heart bleeds for you. Shy persons must be very careful about the situations in which they place themselves. They must not bite off more than they can chew; they must take things slowly and deliberately, so as not to plunge themselves into a situation they cannot handle.

The trouble with being shy is that your own shyness becomes like a giant boulder in front of you, everywhere you turn. All you can see is a great hunk of granite, blocking your view of earth, water, sky, and other people; it must be surmounted with Herculean effort, every time you speak. This being the case, unfortunately, when shy persons manage to climb this boulder and open their mouths, they tend to think that the hard labor is done. All their energy has been consumed in getting over the boulder; there is virtually none left for actually attending to the social circumstances surrounding them--let alone the personality, nature, interests or preferences of the person with whom they are speaking.

Let us take, as an example, your initial attempt. "I find you very attractive; I'm just wondering if we can get to know each other." Pretty Lady understands that it was immensely difficult for you to work up the nerve to say this. The statement is succinct, blunt, direct, and truthful. Unfortunately it was too blunt. It does not leave the lady any wiggle room. If she responds in any other way than "sorry, that won't happen," she has committed herself, probably to a lifelong relationship, because she already knows that you will never get up the courage to say that to anybody else, ever again.

This is Too Much Pressure.

So Pretty Lady advises you, for the time being, to Back Off. This may seem counterproductive; it may seem as though you are so far Backed Off that further withdrawal is impossible. This is not the case; ladies are very intuitive, and they can sense your need, your anxiety, and your interest without you saying a word. Pretty Lady advises you to Back Off completely, most particularly within your own mind. Forget about hitting on ladies. Get centered in your own being, and grounded.

Next, pay close attention to your personal hygiene. Wash daily. If you have any teeth which are rotting out of your head, get them fixed. Wear clean clothes which fit you. Dressing like a gangster attracts ladies who want to date gangsters; these sorts of ladies tend to be fickle and demanding. Aim at an appearance of casual confidence which is nevertheless not enslaved by fashion. If you have any trusted female relatives, ask them to help you fine-tune your Look.

Now, do some soul-searching. Who ARE you, D? What do you like to do? What are your interests? Pursue them. If you are interested in cars, work on them. If you like the outdoors, go hiking. If you like swimming, swim. Learn woodworking, welding, entomology, or political organizing, if these things float your boat. Immerse yourself in these things.

Once you are clean, dressed with quiet good taste, and engaged in an activity which absorbs you, you will be comfortable in your own skin. You will be more At Peace. You will, then, be able to turn your attention to an attractive female in your vicinity and ask her, calmly, with no particular agenda, "So, what's your story?" Or, "What are you into?" You will be capable of paying attention to her.

You have nothing to prove; you are your Own Man, warmhearted, interested, engaged. She will, if she is the sort of female you are seeking, respond to your inner comfort by becoming comfortable. She will be able to talk freely about that most fascinating subject, herself, without fear of being sucked into an abyss of Desperate Need. If she is at all civilized, she will, after speaking of herself for long enough, ask about you.

And you will have something to tell her.