How to Balance the Federal Budget, Provide Universal Healthcare, and Solve Our Economic Woes

Pretty Lady, frankly, is fed up with being patient. She understands that Basic Logic is inaccessible to the vast majority of humans; she knows that learning curves vary widely. She knows, furthermore, that Pain and Suffering are sometimes the most effective teachers of essential Life Lessons. This is why she is generally content to allow events to unfold as they will, unmolested.

But some days, Pretty Lady feels that humanity has suffered enough from its own stupidity. Thus, in consummate exasperation, she provides The Answer, whether you are ready or not.

End the War On Drugs.

It must be understood, by those citizens who are slow on the uptake, that Pretty Lady is no fan of drug use. Pot makes people absurdly boring; cocaine makes them insufferably narcissistic, and heroin kills their souls. (Ecstasy is fine, done every five years or so; hallucinogens likewise, except for the occasional unfortunate case of permanent derangement.)

This is one of the reasons that the drug war must end, for as every student of life and/or the Course in Miracles understands, attacking things only makes them stronger.

Isn't it obvious? The U.S. Government has spent billions, if not trillions, on attempting to eradicate the international drug trade, with the result that drugs are purer and more widely available than ever, and drug addiction is at an all-time high. The drug war is directly responsible for driving up the prices of drugs, thus providing irresistible incentive for the underprivileged of all nations to produce and distribute them, killing indiscriminately to preserve this golden opportunity.

Half a millon U.S. citizens are languishing in jail for non-violent offenses, abandoning their families to welfare. Addicts are afraid to seek treatment. Clean needles are difficult to come by, resulting in more-rapid spread of disease.

Can we not cease this madness?

The solution is extremely simple: Just Say No. No to drug raids, SWAT teams, inspectors, detectives, stings and busts. No to helicopter surveillance. No to imprisonment of non-violent offenders.

We take the billions of dollars saved and invest it in universal healthcare and excellent education. We increase revenue by taxing the bejeezus out of the now-legal drug trade. We return drug dealers to their families and employ them as skilled business managers. We tax their salaries and invest the revenue in rehabilitation.

Rest assured that those who get their jollies by beating up on the underprivileged will still have plenty of opportunities to do so; DUI laws, zoning laws, child abuse laws, tax evasion and general Being A Bad Person laws will still be fully enforceable. You may retain your Puritan Morality, your contempt and your sense of existential superiority. The only change that will occur is that more citizens will be free, healthy, educated and employed, your civil liberties will be protected, and, if you so desire, you can enjoy the occasional paranoia-free high.

Is that really so bad?


As a postscript: Pretty Lady is having a terrible time getting people to pay attention to her very sensible healthcare plan. She went to a Democratic Platform meeting last week, and the Extreme Leftist who was heading the discussion edited out the most brilliant portions of her program in the Final Report. Would all of you darlings very kindly forward her plan to your representative, whether he or she be Democratic, Republican, Libertarian or Independent? Please and thank you.