On Empathy

Pretty Lady is still reeling with inarticulate emotion, following dear Mr. Obama's history-making speech. So please excuse her if she is not as stylistically sprightly as usual.

One of the things she particularly noticed--aside from his searing honesty, balanced analysis, and transcendent perspective--was the way in which he made a very clear distinction between empathizing with another person's position, and agreeing with it, much less excusing bad behavior.

For Pretty Lady has often, often found herself in a similar position to Mr. Obama's--that of having to explain away the egregious faux pas of her erstwhile friends and associates. This is no accident; as all of her remaining friends know, Pretty Lady has ever made a habit of associating with Colorful Extremists of every stripe. This may well have begun as a sort of rebellion against the bland neutrality of her middle-class background, but soon grew into a cornerstone of her personal philosophy, as well as a natural extension of her temperament. Pretty Lady, like Mr. Obama, is an empath; an 'NF' on the Meyers-Briggs temperament indicator.

In practical terms, this means that we pick up on the History, Subtext, and attendant Emotion of every word or action of every person we meet. This is not a conscious choice; it is something that we simply cannot help doing. We do not ever hear a statement in the isolated context of Pure Logic, although we are eminently capable of understanding this logic, or lack thereof. We are aware, instantaneously, of the path the speaker took to arrive at his position, including all the wounds, mistakes, and frustrations inherent in that path. Thus we respond to their statements in a holistic, inclusive manner, not merely in a pointless battle of points.

Because we see people as whole, as conglomerations of disparate experience, temperament, personality and influence, not merely as greater or lesser logicians, we have a hard time condemning anyone out of hand. We take a step back, we watch, we listen, we look for underlying motives, intentions, and those signals which indicate Character, in aggregate. We understand that we are all sinners, and that by a too-hasty condemnation of the flawed Other we may, willy-nilly, condemn ourselves.

We understand that people's words and opinions are neither complete, nor are they set in stone.

In this manner, we try to arrive at a deeper understanding of others, as a means of finding more effective means of mutual communication, and mutual healing. We do not reflexively separate ourselves from things which might appear dangerous; like fools or angels, we stand our ground and quietly pay attention.

This process in no way implies that we support, justify, agree with or excuse destructive behaviors and philosophies. It is often interpreted that way, or twisted to false equation by unscrupulous parties. These parties tend to be those who wholly identify with the egoistic perspective--that in order to be Saved, one must condemn all imperfection in others, casting off any taint in order to present a face of Perfection to the Almighty Judge.

Darlings, this is not true. We are all imperfect. We heal and become perfect by accepting ourselves and others as we are, flaws and all, and judiciously making the slow, committed effort to change, with patience and compassion. Condemning others hastily--out of fear, intolerance, sadism, rigidity, or sheer self-serving expedience--is the road to Hell. It never ceases to shock Pretty Lady, how many self-declared Christians choose to follow this path.