How to Pick a Lady Up

Well. Since the Rabbitslayer seems to be in desperate straits, Pretty Lady will unbend. Generally she frowns upon giving young men advice on how most effectively to misbehave, but since they are bound to do it anyway, they might as well do it with style.

Let it be known that so far in this lifetime, it has proven impossible to pick Pretty Lady up in a single evening. Many have tried; some have gotten as far as second base. But Pretty Lady is a tough nut to crack. What follows is an overview of some general strategies that have (partially) succeeded with her, as well as some attitudes to avoid at all costs.

Pick-up Principle #1: Alcohol is required.

Let us be realistic about this. Much as Pretty Lady abhors drug abuse of any stripe, the fact remains that if a lady allows herself to be picked up while stone cold sober, she is definitely psychotic. Better a hungover Girl Next Door than a knife-wielding freak in your bedroom tomorrow morning.

The thing to do is remember the principle of Moderation In All Things. Two beers will make a lady genial and receptive; five will make her comatose. Two beers is also the proper amount for overcoming any shyness or restraint of rhetoric on the gentleman's part, without making him crude. It goes without saying that date-rape drugs are not only tacky, they will land you in jail for five to seven, and Pretty Lady will be the first to notify the authorities.

Pick-up Principle #2: Physical Activity obviates the need for Deep Conversation.

This is why dancing is such a popular social activity. If one's pick-up target is selected with a certain degree of premeditation, going for a hike or a bicycle ride can prove to be a comfortable icebreaker. Once the two of you have gotten over the initial nervousness of merely being in physical proximity, you can park the bikes at the corner bar and saunter on in for a chat.

Pick-up Principle #3: No Whining.

Pretty Lady hates to harp on anything, but the most disgusting thing she has ever repeatedly experienced is the sound of a male voice getting self-righteously indignant about the fact that he Just Wants to Get Laid. Boys, we know you want to get laid. It's part of your biology. Have the grace to take this as a given, and concentrate on convincing us why we should consider your particular case at this particular time.

Pick-up Principle #4: Be Direct (but with style).

Now comes time to tell the story of the time somebody almost succeeded. Be forewarned that this technique may very well get you slapped, with a lady of other than Pretty Lady's temperament. But only the bold take risks, and only the bold succeed.

Once upon a time, Pretty Lady was visiting Austin on the rebound. She was glum. She was feeling Jaded and slightly Over the Hill. A well-meaning screenwriter friend offered to set her up; Pretty Lady generally avoids these circumstances like the plague, but in a spirit of devil-may-care, she agreed to meet the two of them for dinner.

The other party to the attempt turned out to be a screenwriting police officer from Queens. At first glance, Pretty Lady typed him as "too young. Plus not particularly dynamic." She enjoyed his stories of rushing into the burning World Trade Center before it collapsed, however, and encouraged his notion of writing a screenplay about it.

The original friend, in an extravagant display of unnecessary tact, abandoned Pretty Lady and the police officer early in the evening, claiming motherhood as her excuse. Still feeling that there had been a mismatch, but not entirely bored, Pretty Lady accompanied the gentleman to a comfortable bar on Sixth, where the two of them engaged in some desultory conversation regarding screenwriting and police work.

During a lapse, the gentleman inquired, "Have you ever done anything you were ashamed of?"

Ah! Guilt. The subject of so many engrossing personal struggles. Pretty Lady proceeded to bore the man to tears with a subtle story of psycho-emotional humiliation, which burdened her conscience to this day.

"No, I mean, when you were in college, did you ever, like, experiment?"

"Oh! Well, I've ****************, but I'm not ashamed of that."

The gentleman narrowly escaped spitting a mouthful of beer all over himself, the bar, and the other customers. A contemplative silence followed.

After a moment, the gentleman declared, "I'm just going to say what's on my mind, right now. What's on my mind is that I'd like to take you to a hotel and do a lot of nasty stuff to you."

Pretty Lady warned you that you might get slapped. Most of the women she knows would slap you, at this point. When she was in her teens and twenties, Pretty Lady would have, too. But after years of whining twerps, passive-aggression, and conflicted, impotent gamma boys, Pretty Lady has finally come to appreciate a Real Man when she encounters one. This doesn't mean he will get away with that; just that it doesn't disqualify him.

"Thanks. No, but thanks," she replied.

"Ah well," he said, and finished his beer. (Note the lack of self-righteous remonstrance in his tone. He's down, but not out.)

On the stroll back to the car, the gentleman casually lifted Pretty Lady off the ground and carried her for half a block, kissing competently. "Can you see where you're going?" she thought to ask. "No," he replied, honestly and forthrightly, as usual. "Can we go to a hotel?"

"No," said Pretty Lady, forthrightly in return. We parked instead. After a couple of hours the gentleman was deposited at his place of residence, complaining wryly of a hard-on, but without a trace of querulousness in his voice. Pretty Lady more than suspects that her best bra was in his pocket, but she will give him the benefit of the doubt and say that it might have fallen out of the car at the reservoir.

Note, again, some key ingredients to this gentleman's style. He is direct, but not crude. He is confident. He knows how to read signals, and amplify them, but he also knows where to draw the line. He respects a woman's boundary when one is firmly set in place. All things considered, I'd have to give him an A-minus. That bra was expensive.

Pick-up Principle #5: Use protection.

Get the prophylactics and have them accessible, but not in a giant open basket next to the bed. Avoid any display that too obviously demonstrates your utter sluttishness of character. Having unprotected sexual interaction in this day and age is sheer madness and stupidity; Pretty Lady would almost be grateful for the advent of AIDS, if only to convince young men that irresponsibility can, indeed, be life-threatening for more than just an abandoned lady and her unborn babe.

Pick-up Principle #6: Be a gentleman.

Refrain from flinging the lady's clothing contemptuously in her face as soon as the act is complete. Do snuggle a bit; do engage in friendly chat. If you'd like to see her again, say so. If this was merely a one-night stand, make that clear at the outset. Do not lie, do not skulk, do not treat the lady like a whore. Leave her with the impression that you have discerned a certain specialness in her soul which you will remember forever, despite the fact that circumstances made it impossible for you to pursue it to completion.

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How to Read a Lady's Signals
Dominance and Submission